Requiem for a dream

Last night my the late supervisor was in my dream. I was in a huge hotel, which had a beautiful view of a blue green sea till the horizon and two big swimming pools on the front and a crap small swimming pool in the backyard. I and B., for one or another reason (!), were staying in the rooms with the view of that sick and miserable swimming pool while our colleagues had their rooms on the front (yeah, yeah, my preconsciousness is pushing the limits of symbolism). Someone told me that we (I and B.) had really nice rooms and we were very lucky for this. The only thing I had to do was to show that person the front view and... she immediately changed her mind!

Then, I started wandering in the corridors of the hotel and I ended up in a very big room like one of the ones in the Dolmabahce Palace. There was a big table and a high chair in the room. And there was sitting my the late supervisor. He looked at me over his eye glasses, in his black Hugo Boss jacket, and simple Levis jeans. I was very happy and surprised to see him there. He was back.

Even before saying “Hi!”, he immediately asked me: What are you doing?

I didn’t know what he really meant. So I asked him. He said “Eco-driving. What are you doing with eco-driving? It is not your thing!”. Yeah, I knew but whatever. He continued “I had hopes on you. I was hopeful of you when I saw that you were building that world (for the driving simulator) and doing real driving staff. What are you doing with eco-driving now?” He was very disappointed. So was I. But this didn’t stop me from protesting and complaining.

Me: Well, you didn’t say anything when I switch to this topic. Now you’re telling me that I shouldn’t have changed! Where were you then!?
Him: I am here now.
Me: Are you back?
Him: Yes, I am.
Me: I mean will you leave again? Will I be working with P and L? Or will you be there from now on?
Him: I am back.
Me: But I have very short time left in my PhD.
Him: Don’t worry. We can do something. We can get you back to what you have been doing. Maybe you should go to another lab to speed up and learn about the fundamental things.
Me: Ok.
Him: But first let’s get some fresh air in the balcony and enjoy the view. I will smoke.

And so we were standing there and looking at the front view of the fancy hotel: the blue green sea till the horizon.

I was so relieved when he said he was back. I had this unbearable lightness of being. He was back. Nothing mattered anymore. As long as my supervisor was there, it didn’t matter whether I had only three months left or I had hell a lot of job to do or whatever.

I felt myself very bad when he asked “What are doing with eco-driving? It is not your thing!”. I felt bad because I didn’t know myself what I was doing with eco-driving and he was right, it was not my thing. I was very ashamed. I felt like I have failed him because he had hopes on me and I have simply disappointed him. But now he was back. There was chance to undo it all.

During the entire dream I never thought he was dead. I felt like he was gone for a trip during the last 20 months. He didn’t bother himself informing me or B. about his trip and he just left. Holiday or work trip. I didn’t know. It didn’t matter. He was just gone for a trip without letting us know and finally he was back.

The unbearable lightness of being was so unbearable that I couldn’t take the feeling of relief anymore. I woke up. I woke up to the reality that he didn’t go for a trip without us knowing about it. On the contrary, he informed me as soon as he learnt that he would die. He asked me and B. to visit him in the hospital (so, he actually let us know about his departure) and he died. He is still dead*.

No need to mention my PhD.

Photo: La Ciotat, South France


*When I was reading the text again, I recognized that this last sentence didn’t make sense. There is a logical error. State of “death” is something that nothing or nobody can undo. Once something is dead, he/she will remain dead forever. So, it doesn’t make sense to say “he is still dead.” My apologies for the wrong usage.

To whom it does concern: Dictionary meaning of still in the Collins English Dictionary is “continuing now or in the future as in the past”. Another definition is “continuing longer and later than expected” (found randomly on the internet). The sentence “He is still dead” can be justified to make sense if and only if the owner of the sentence has not reconciled and accepted the condition of death or protesting the the now & future continuation of death as in the past.